


The Wright Anything Agency Turf War

by SweatBroandHeckaJeff



Category: Homestuck, 逆転裁判 | Gyakuten Saiban | Ace Attorney
Genre: Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-28
Updated: 2016-09-28
Packaged: 2018-08-18 09:09:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8156842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweatBroandHeckaJeff/pseuds/SweatBroandHeckaJeff
Summary: Phoenix makes some new rules and re-awakens the 14 year old girl inside Apollo Justice. And then Logic Uno...





	

Phoenix strutted through the Wright Anything Agency, chest puffed and a coffee in hand. He held a piece of paper, shrouded in shadow and mystery. Apollo fell out of his chair when he tried to lean back and observe the hidden parchment. Athena was reading Homestuck so she cared very little to be frank.

The blue suited attorney majestically stuck the paper to the wall and screeched “TAKE THAT!” to the office. Apollo and Athena scurried towards the bulletin and read it. The paper was a faded sepia tone, with several coffee stains adorning it, and had a shitty jpeg of The Steel Samurai looming in the top right corner.

The r̶u̶l̶e̶s̶ Roolz  
• Apollo cleans the toilet forever  
• Only signal Samurai re-runs on the televis TV  
• Only wear things in your primary colour  
• Lollygagging will b prosecuted  
• Hair gel comes out of your own paycheck (APOLLO!)  
• Only 1 copy of 50 Shades of Grey allowed in the office at a time  
• I AM NOT GONNA  
FIX THAT SPAGHETTI!

After skimming the bulletin about three times, Apollo turned towards Phoenix and started squawking furiously, “MR. WRIGHT WHY DO I HAVE TO CLEAN THE TOILETS A N D BUY MY OWN HAIRGEL?!?!??????????!?! I’M ONLY A QUARTER WAY THROUGH FIFTY SHADES I’M NOT ALLOWED TO FINISH IT?????????????  
“You could actually try working?” Athena quipped jovially as she suplexed him across the WAA and back to his desk.

Apollo landed in a heap as he watched Athena and his boss high fiving and trying to use the word ‘lit’ in a sentence without sounding like an idiot. He was not standing for the injustice that was the Roolz and it stood for.

Right at that moment, Trucy materialized through the window and lifted Apollo up. She said something spunky and cute as she tipped her hat. But even Trucy’s adorability couldn’t quell the flames of revolution. Frantically reaching for the weapon of all true demigods- duct tape- he made a line through the room, in perfect halves (it was actually 51 to 49 but don’t tell Phoenix). “Until the regime is changed you will be banished from Justice Land!!!” he shrieked as he hastily made a Justice Land banner that he taped to his desk.

Ticked off by his apprentice stealing half of his office, Phoenix threw a pen right at Apollo, narrowly missing and instead nailing Trucy between the eyes. “DADDY WHAT THE FUCK!!!! I WILL FUCKING STRANGLE YOU WITH YOUR OWN SPINE, YOU… YOU… TWAT!” she roared with hatred at her adopted father. Unveiling Mr. Hat from behind her, she grabbed Apollo and threw him to safety. Mr. Hat-as well as Apollo- began mercilessly and aimlessly throwing stationary in Wright’s general direction, filled with angst.

Things only heated up as Apollo began belting out communist ballads and failing to rap Evanescence lyrics. Trucy played the Steel Samurai theme for hours on end and leaked a picture of Phoenix and Larry in their Signal Samurai cosplay on Facebook. Admitting defeat, Team Rocket blasted off again. And by that I mean Phoenix did an acrobatic fucking pirouette out the window onto an Angel Starr food truck which sped away and never stopped.

Cheers rung through the WAA, and Apollo shaved one of his horns off to show his dedication to his cause, and to prove the liberation was not in vein. Athena was still acting Switzerland af, because she was halfway through [S] Kanaya: ENTER THE CORE.

 

Sitting around the office, sipping cups of cheeto dust and watching Lion King 2 endlessly grew tiring after about a month. Bills piled up and could not wait any longer to be paid, Apollo, with angst that had not died down since the WAA reform, was frankly a bit cheesed off by the ordeal. But what he had to do was way more important than anything he had ever attempted previously. He plunged his hair into black dye and fashioned horns out of cheap clay from Wal-Mart. He coated himself in smudgy grey paint and only wore black shirts; he even changed his name to Apollo Justic. All was perfect.

Climbing onto the roof of the WAA he readied his Chords of Steel and sucked in all the heir. ALL of them. Even Mituna for fuck’s sake. Ready to hell he raised his hands to his mouth and finally bellowed “Ｉ， ＡＰＯＬＬＯ ＬＩＯＮＥＬ ＢＲＥＮＤＡ ＪＵＳＴＩＣ， ＷＩＬＬ ＡＢＯＬＩＳＨ ＴＡＸＥＳ ＡＮＤ ＢＩＬＬＳ ＦＯＲＥＶＥＲ！！ ＧＯＶＥＲＮＭＥＮＴ ＰＥＥＰＳ， ＴＡＬＫ ＴＯ ＴＨＥ ＨＡＮＤ Ｋ Ａ Ｐ Ｏ Ｗ！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！” All of Japanafornia heard his tremendous battle cry, even Sanfransokyo. Especially Sanfransokyo. Marlon Rimes committed suicide from the fear of this almighty Fus Ro Dah.

Entering the WAA once again, the flames of revolution stronger than the sexual tension between Sasuke Uchiha and Naruto Uzumaki, he stood proudly and smooched an oil painting of Klavier Gavin riding an orange lawn flamingo. Athena had finally watched [S] Collide and joined Apollo’s angst filled rebellion. Apollo gazed in awe as she spun around like Jacques Portsman and changed into a brand new outfit. She wore a crop top, with the words “mama didn’t raise no fool” written in pink sharpie and bedazzled with cheap glitter. A cowboy hat perched on her weird hair and she was wearing shutter shades that were coloured red and blue. The hat read “hackerman” in lime green letters that were clearly hand stitched hastily. “My hax are TIGHT. So tight. Tighter than a jar you can’t open.Like you try and try, but my hax are so tight that you end up just putting it back and saying ‘Well I never really wanted pickles anyway’ but that’s just sour grapes talking because you are still dying for pickles motherfucker 8) …” she whispered at him as she squatted by a Windows ’95 computer that was running LEGOLAND very slowly, the benevolence that was the voice of Justin Fletcher, upsettingly sounding like shit. Athena then proceeded to hack the government with Phoenix’s old cell phone, making even Tails the Fox from Sonic Adventure 2 shed a tear as someone else shared his aptitude for bullshit computer antics. She sifted through the confirmation of G Bush’s involvement in the whole 11/9 (England weh heh heh) accident. Shuddering with anticip…ation, Hackerman plunged further through the gaping anus that was the FBI’s list of mistakes throughout the years. As much as she was enjoying the casual invasion of government secrecy, she had a job to half ass. Apollo watched in awe as she typed in random commands to the AI brain of Alfonso Lincoln Ribeiro Sr. who only replied in GIF’s of Troll Will Smith being a rebellious rapscallion from The Thresh Prince of Bel Air. But finally she found the folder, “SHIT WE STOLE FROM OTHER COUNTRIES NYEH HEHE”

“I͇͂'̰̃M̕ I̯̓̑͡N…” Hackerman confirmed with her sultry voice. Athena then proceeded to locate the deed to New Zealand, shimmering with mild importance. Booting up MS Paint, Hackerman did the spinny tornado thing and became the shoehorned in Mary Sue we all know and tolerate. This was when Trucy took over, adding hers, Apollo’s and Athena’s names to the  
document using the curved line tool and spray paint.

Hastily typing “Gumtree” into the search bar, the gang began to photograph the document and JPEG it to an extent its legibility was questionable. The next task was simple. Upload, price and sell. The money would go to buy a bulldozer which they would sell to afford a time machine and kill Greed from Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood, to eliminate all need for prices, taxes and expense. All was going well, Furio Tigre bidding not only all his afterlife savings, but also Tender Lenders to boot.

But suddenly, a gust of wind caught their attention, blowing in a plethora of leaves and dorito dust. What greeted them as they turned would horrify them forever. Their former boss, Phoenix Rufio Poseidon Albert Wright was standing in the window, a beard longer than the list of reasons NaruMayo shouldn’t be canon clung to his shapely chin. The beard ended in spikes, impressing Apollo down to his angst filled core. He pointed his tanned finger towards him.  
“APOLLO!”  
“PHOENIX!”  
“APOLLO!  
“AAAAPPPOOOLLLLLOOOO  
“…phoenix.”  
“ACHOO”

The witty banter was too fierce for Athena and Trucy, who were sent flying from the building in seconds. Apollo’s old mentor (not Kristoph >;] ) threw down a familiar contraption from his pocket. “I FLED TO XHENG FA, AND LEARNED A NEW ART!!! LOGIC UNO!!!!” Phoenix roared, his beard fluttering more fierce than Edgeworth’s cravat on a November eve.  
“Child’s play, Mr. Wright.” Apollo snickered.  
“WHOEVER LOSES GETS SENT TO THE SHADOW REALM!!!!” he belted, ready to rebuttal with all his sass.  
“I’m game.” The shitty troll cosplayed lawyer replied coolly.

The game started, the shadow dealer, giving them both acceptable hands to work with. The discard pile didn’t look too threatening, requiring the greenest of 4’s. Phoenix smirked from the top of his cards, his poker days-while being a tad rusty-easily outmatching Apollo’s lackluster experience. But Apollo had one thing, Perceive, his ace in the hole to topple down his boss’ tower of smugness. Green 4. Red 6. Wild card. One after another cards left their hands, the discard pile growing along with the stakes of this deadly gambit. Phoenix had anticipated Apollo’s keen eyes, and steeled himself to Vladimir Putin levels of stone cold not giving a fuck. Cards were a flyin’. The game was faster than Straight Cougar on his way to a crack house. Apollo played his hand… “DRAW 4, DRAW 4, DRAW 4, DRAW 4, DRAW 4, DRAW 4. DRAW 4!!!!!!!!!!” his chords of steel screeched as he won the game. He danced victoriously, flipping the table and doing a great deal of yelling. Phoenix was engulfed in darkness, The Shadow Realm sucking him in, much to his dismay. He clawed at the table and attempted to throw a broom like The Samurai Spear into the tendrils of black that clutched his legs. As Phoenix descended into the Super Special Awesome Shadow Realm, Apollo pulled out his phone and began to text Athena.

Apollo: Hey Athena I kind of just killed our boss?  
Athena: WHAT  
Apollo: Yeah I just Kristoph Gavin’d Phoenix (•_•) ( •_•)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■)  
Apollo: How’s the whole New Zealand thing going?  
Apollo: Why is it even called “New” Zealand  
Apollo: Shouldn’t it just be Zealand  
Athena: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
Athena: BRB imma get Trucy to change it to just Zealand  
Apollo: Notice  
Apollo: SHIT I mean noice

Meanwhile, Athena was slumped outside the door of the WAA, watching Trucy bang serenade the door with a butchering of love love guilty. Athena was so bored she tried to forcefully shit out her own spine just so she had something to do. That too, ended in vain.

Little did the girls know that a monster was approaching them, ready to strike. His name, feared by all.

Jar Jar

“HELLO KIDDIES!” MEESA NAME IS JAR JAR!” the slimy toad that George Lucas thought was a good idea growled slobbered through his horrible mouth.  
“WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!????!??!?!!?!?” Athena and Trucy yelled in unison at the foul sight.  
“I AM THE GHOST OF SHITTY CHARACTERS THAT MANAGED TO STAY IN MEDIA!” he bellowed as Lotta Hart appeared behind him and snapped a picture. Athena was frothing at the mouth, ready to flip the police officer the obnoxious Gungan. She charged forward and immediately threw him as far as he could, smashing against the wall. Trucy took this moment to summon Mr. Hat and throw him to Athena. Athena in turn launched Widget in the general direction of Sir Hat  
“WE’RE GONNA COMBINE!”  
“WE’RE GONNA COMBINE?”  
“THEY’RE GONNA COMBINE?!”  
Necklace and hat puppet combined, causing a flurry of sparks and fire to erupt from the creation. Athena hid behind Trucy as the creation roared to life.  
“MANLY COMBINING!!!!!!!” Widget Hat screamed as his arm cannon fired out spurts of grape soda into Jar Jar’s mouth.  
“Meesa hate grape soda!” J.J Binks yelled with gusto that would make the lovechild of Vic Mignogna and Arin Hanson prouder than Captain America was when Bucky became himself again in Winter Soldier.

He evaporated into poorly composited polygonal crap and floated up to heaven and then tripped on some stairs and fell into Nahyuta Sahdmadhi’s Hell of Hangnails.

They were safe… for now.

A note slid out from under the door, covered in Apollo’s chicken scratch (get it cos Apollo’s a chicken nugget nyeh heh heh). “GONE OUT, CALL IF NEEDED” the barely legible note read. Apollo was needed. Athena was call.

“Athena: (On the phone to Apollo) I need your help. Can you come here?  
Apollo: Well, I can't. I'm buying clothes.  
Athena: Alright, hurry up then come over here.  
Apollo: I can't find them.  
Athena: What do you mean you can't find them?  
Apollo: I can't find them. There's only soup.  
Athena: Whaddya mean "there's only soup"?  
Apollo: It means there's only soup.  
Athena: Well then get out of the soup aisle!  
Apollo: Alright, you don't have to shout at me! (moves to the next aisle) There's more soup!  
Athena: Whaddya mean "there's more soup"?!  
Apollo: There's just more soup!  
Athena: Go into the next aisle!  
Apollo: (moves to the next aisle) There’s still soup!  
Athena: Where are you right now?!  
Apollo: I'm at soup!  
Athena: WHADDYA MEAN YOU'RE "AT SOUP"?!  
Apollo: I MEAN I'M AT SOUP!  
Athena: WHAT STORE ARE YOU IN?!  
Apollo: I'M AT THE SOUP STORE!  
Athena: WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE?!  
Apollo: FUCK YOU!!

Thoroughly disappointed by that tragic role reversal, Athena sipped a can of Fanta. The taste was the same taste as the one you had when you found out Phoenix’s DLC costume was just the original suit. She spat it out, drenching Widget Hat with lukewarm diet Fanta that to be frank, tasted more like 7up. She knew that accepting Klavier Gavin’s Christmas gift of a mini fridge was to be the death of her.

Suddenly, the ghost of Big Money Salvia climbed into the office from a pile of stepladders hastily prepared by Maya Fey and Filthy Frank. “I wouldn’t fuck that thing with my daughter’s dick!” he spat sarcastically at the can.  
But before the author could paste some more commentiquette quotes, a carapacian wrapped in bed sheets burst out his chest and snatched the can from his hands. Athena could only watch in silence as the narrative became a Thomas the Tank Engine show with a misfortunate roadblock, which is to say, derailed. Only one thing could stop this. One thing. *insert One Direction lyrics*

Simon Blackquill floated through the Dersite crypts, sat firmly on his quest bed. Hours and hours of combing this fucking purple moon had finally come to an end. He’d found it. A floating wallet-kind card in the middle of a pile of rubble.

The Tumour.

He picked it up and examined it, he had a job to do, a task from Athena. He had to initiate the scratch.

**Author's Note:**

> I actually planned this one until the Gurren laggan part happened, and then I just cocked about until I wanted to stop. An actual Scri-Ed (is that what it's spelt like?) reference and also a PurpleEyeswtf so fuck any coherence in tone. Shoutout to the people who get the commentiquete jokes because damn I really wanted to but a Salvia quote in this.


End file.
